Today could have been so much better. But, none the less, today effing sucked eggs. For serious. It feels like I'm missing something. Something really important. Something that will keep me going. I hope Ricky's the guy that canhelp me find it, cause I don't think that I want to search alone.... Being alone kind of, well.... sucks. So even though I needed to break up with James, I'd be pretty upset if I had broken up with James and then... nothing happened. I mean, if I broke up with him and Ricky hadn't liked me. Is that shallow? I'm pretty sure that's one of the most shallow things I could say. That I wouldn't have broken up with my boyfriend unless I knew that another boy liked me.
Man, I'm so shallow it's deep.
I keep fucking up my life, and the lives of everyone else. I should just stop trying...
I was thinking that last night too. That I should just give up, stop moving, stop pushing, stop breathing. But, Ricky makes me feel pretty happy. Thinking about him makes me smile. Even when I'm pissed off at the entire world, at my self, at the universe, thinking about Ricky makes me feel better.
That can't be good.
I'm not looking to fall in love. I just want to be normal... I don't need all the "No, I love YOU more." BULLSHIT.
Gargh. This sucks. I feel so angry. So hot angry, on fire angry, and I don't want to feel that way, but the only person that makes me not so angry is a boy. A boy I'm not even really "with". Fuck.
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