Drop and Give me 50

Today could have been so much better. But, none the less, today effing sucked eggs. For serious. It feels like I'm missing something. Something really important. Something that will keep me going. I hope Ricky's the guy that canhelp me find it, cause I don't think that I want to search alone.... Being alone kind of, well.... sucks. So even though I needed to break up with James, I'd be pretty upset if I had broken up with James and then... nothing happened. I mean, if I broke up with him and Ricky hadn't liked me. Is that shallow? I'm pretty sure that's one of the most shallow things I could say. That I wouldn't have broken up with my boyfriend unless I knew that another boy liked me.

Man, I'm so shallow it's deep.
I keep fucking up my life, and the lives of everyone else. I should just stop trying...

I was thinking that last night too. That I should just give up, stop moving, stop pushing, stop breathing. But, Ricky makes me feel pretty happy. Thinking about him makes me smile. Even when I'm pissed off at the entire world, at my self, at the universe, thinking about Ricky makes me feel better.

That can't be good.

I'm not looking to fall in love. I just want to be normal... I don't need all the "No, I love YOU more." BULLSHIT.

Gargh. This sucks. I feel so angry. So hot angry, on fire angry, and I don't want to feel that way, but the only person that makes me not so angry is a boy. A boy I'm not even really "with". Fuck.

I don't mean to be rude, but I gotta know. <3

Blargh. Boredom shall consume and I'll die. >.<>.< But Helen gets all of my magick stuff, and Shaun can have my I-pod, and Natalie can just choose through what's left, and I don't really know what Laura and Allie would want either, so they can just pick through it. :) Can they use this as my last will and testament? If it ever got found??? (I'm a little curious about that.) Oh yeah, my mom, she gets first dibs though, like, if she want's my I-pod she gets it. And Ricky can have my journal. There. Use THAT as my last will and all that sheezy.

Curtis can have anything pertaining to musicals.

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All I ever do is listen to music. I think music... There is always some song stuck (STUCK!!!) in my head. I wish that I had a little more natural musical ability. *hands go up* Urgha. Curtis, I like the green color. Get the green. Stop being a girl, and buy the green, chalupa.

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I get to go to Toxic Hell (i.e. Taco Bell) wth Ricky and Laura after school, and I'm glad, becuase Ricky makes me smile. and Laura is quick and fast becoming a super pal. (i.e. in most people's vocabularies that would be a "best friend", but that term is irk-y-like to me. )

All righty then. I'm done. <3

What happens after high school? What do I become?

There are alot of choices ahead of me, but "mom" isn't one of them. These could be the best years of my life, or the beginning of the next "18". I'm not going to do that to myself. Or my kids. If I have children, I want to be able to provide, steadily, and well, for them. I never want them to experience the things that I've had to. I want them to always KNOW that they are loved, provided for, and cared for. I want them to always be able to know where they stand in my heart. I know that I may not be rich, and I may not be able to spoil them with material items, but that isn't really what I want. I just want to spoil them with love. And I never want them to have to worry about where their next emal is going to come from. They will always know that all they have to do is come to "mommy."

There are alot of choices ahead of me, but failure isn't one of them. I WILL succeed, because I HAVE to succeed. If I fail, that makes every thing that I've ever done pointless. I can't stand exercising futility. So I'll keep winning.

When I grow up, I want to be everything. Words and lights, sounds and feelings. I want to be able to make my words breathe and feel and be so real. There they are, sitting next to you, those are my words breathing down your neck, leaving a sweaty trail in condensation. Do you feel them? Are you listening?

Congealing my feeling

I don't understand why I am the way I am. It's just me. I can't change, I've tried, Lord, I've tried.

I'm a tree hugging tofu farting world peace hoping fairy, I've come to terms with that. I believe that we should treat our world with respect, our friends with respect, our animals with respect. Why all the country borders, and religious wars. Wars for oil, wars for domination, wars for something to fucking do with our army. Our armies should be being used to stop the entropy of our world.

What happened to morals? Now, I'm not extremely religious, but maybe it would have been easier when we had some sort of standards? I mean, come on! Where did we go wrong with our universal order? Why do we believe that everything belongs to us?

Maybe it belongs to no one... Maybe it all belongs to God, who ever he is... Or maybe it's all a dream.

-debikins-

What ifs. So many running around my brain.

What if I died tomorrow?
What if my mom died?
What if I can't get into a good uni?
What if I've been trying too hard.


There are so many q's and not nearly enough a's for my tastes. It seems like I'm running around in this teeny circle, and I can't veer off the path, but I know that the second I step off, I'll find all of the answers.



Answers... Varying. From the inconsequential to the enormously imperative. Life or Death? Doing what's right or doing what's easier? Which path should I take? Which trail should I follow? Which person should I love?

So many people push me, push me for a better life, a better me, a better us. But what if I'm absolutely fine with the way I am, the way life is, the way we were? What if, for me, it's Ok? It's may not be enough for them, but it is for me. A person that knows when they have enough, they are the truly rich. It shouldn't matter how much money I have, how many T-shirts, how many video games... What should matter is that I'm alive, I'm warm, I'm breathing. But even for me, even now, it isn't enough. More, more more, I've got to get more, and I'm pushing and pushing and pushing, and not getting anywhere.

Thoughts relentlessly pushing.

My brain is melting into a multicolored ocean.

Rainbow brain liquid.

That's the stuff. Yeah... W/e...
I hate going to school everyday. School isn't teaching me anything except how much I hate it. It's teaching me ways to subvert authority and ways to get out of doing things that I'd prefer not to do... It's teaching me good avoidance techniques.

I'm skipping journal completely today. I figured it out, if I skip the first 5 minutes or so of class, the just ask me why I'm a bazillion years late, and they forget that I haven't done journal yet, because everyone else has already put theirs away.
Out of sight, out of mind.
I'm going out of my mind... Does that mean I'll go blind next? That'd be way wicked crazy bad, I'd hate for that to happen, I don't know, but I think it'd make me suicidal, or at least, decidedly "emo." So whatev.

I went to this stupid bonfire for my school's homecoming last night, because my mom wants my sister to get a social life... I do too. She comes home everyday after school, she doesn't hang out with friends or anything. She watches TV and eats, non-stop. AND WE DON'T EVEN HAVE CABLE. She is watching re-runs and re-runs an re-runs of broadcast television... (Bunny ears) It's horrid... And when a commercial comes on, or a show that she doesn't like, she comes into my room, while I'm trying to sleep or read or whatever, and she'll hit me, and talk and talk and talk about who did what with who on Friday. And I'm thinking "YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW THESE PEOPLE AT ALL!" Because she never goes anywhere, so where does she hear all this stuff?

And my grandma stopped by my house last night, and she was like, "Are you excited for homecoming?" I felt bad, and I looked at her and said, "I'm not going this time, Gram." She was shocked.. "Why????!!! You've gone every year since the 8th grade. And you were the only freshman on court in the 9th grade..." Blah blah blah, "Why aren't you going?" I felt really bad, so I just told her I didn't have time this year... I didn't want to tell her we couldn't afford the 15 dollars. That'd break her merry little heart. So I lied, and said me and my friends decided to just go to the after party, (yeah, right. Nope.) and that we'd just get dressed up and go out together.... Then she made me promise that I'd go to prom, and she'd take me out and get my hair and nails done, and I'm thinking. "Dun dun dun, this is the end of my life." Because then she'd want to meet my date, which'd be bad, because he's not the same as us, and she's from a teeny town down south, and she'd never understand. She's not "racist" persay, just... misunderstands other peoples lifestyles. So yeah .

I'm done now though. I'm off to la la land to get my brain drank by vampiric teachers, that migrated here, (to Earth) from Hell to drink my measly rainbow brain liquid.

School day acid rain

I'm only going to be posting here during school. This is because I go to school, and they have all the really great websites blocked, with WebSense.

I hope somebody hacks WebSense and DESTROYS it. Yes, that'd be great.

So today, I'm sitting here, I'm not even half way through this dumb ass study hall... I always sit here with nothing to do. They want me to write my feelings in this stupid journal everyday, and they can read it if they deem it necessary. I have 3 different classes that want me to write me feelings in a journal, it's v. lame. So, then, by the time I even get to this study hall, even if I'm NOT writing about feelings, I've got NOTHING left to say... Toally doof.

Yes. Finally half way through, the bell just rang. that just made me feel a little bit better, but not much, cause I still have to sit here and hate this... Ah well, I guess you can't always get what you want. At least I'm a senior this year, just a little while longer, then I'll be blowing this rotten egg factory... Schools like mine make me disappointed in the human race. My generation in general makes me disgusted. I think we should just quarentine all the REALLY dumb people in Columbia... Nooo... wait.... Columbia is pretty... Where's an ugly place? Just an ugly old desert then... How 'bout the Sahara? Who wants to live there? Not I, said the fly. Not I...

I can also smell lunch, which is making me salivate, cause it smells garlic-y and good.
It usually looks and tastes pretty nast though. Arghhhhh...

Destination:Frustration ETA: now.

At least my guitar class has some fetch boys in it though. yeah, I know, I am pretty boy oriented,(I blame it on the fact that 100's of years ago, they would have married girls like me off already(so my genes haven't had time to change from that "MUST MATE NOW" mentality)) I look 14 even though I'm 17, so it's usually kind of a moot point, because at first they all think I'm super duper young, I've been asked to prove that I'm a senior, and not a freshman. I guess there are some perks to that though, when I'm 30 I might just look 20. That'd be pretty swell. If I age well, well then, Ok. Who'm I to complain? That's right. I'm human, it seems to be in my nature to complain.

But now that I feel that I've complained enough today, and I sound like a soft, spoiled little computer brat, so I'm off to boredom land to confer with the Congress of Retardate Dreams.